She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
