ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
