In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
