Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
