i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
