Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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