btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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