Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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