My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
