chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize