Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
