I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
