Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She said her name was "party"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
