I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
