I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
