i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
