she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
