I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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