Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
