He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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