What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
