You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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