I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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