My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
