I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your penis caused this!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
