I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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