On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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