I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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