Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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