I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My ass is underappreciated
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
