If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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