How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
