Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
