her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
