No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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