my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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