I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
