I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I deserve this hangover.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
