There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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