Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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