broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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