So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
