if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
