Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize