Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
