i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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