Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
