i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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