Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
