we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
