what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ttyl tear gas
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
