I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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