she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is Oprah even human
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
