Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
