____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize