Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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