Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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