I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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