I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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