after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
