Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
