I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
