it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
