Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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