Grow some girl-balls and come out already
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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