whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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