I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
