I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
