It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
