Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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