1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
